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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I Am Not "imPRESS"-ed

It had to happen...Negative post! Negative post! We're going to talk about the Impress Press-On Manicure.

The "imPRESS" press-on manicure is anything but impressive. I really wanted to love them! I really did!

 This is what happens when my prescription isn't ready toute suite. I start looking at dumb things in CVS, and after about 15 minutes, those things start to look fun and awesome and I end up bringing them to the register with me.In my defense, they looked cool and they were on sale. My own natural nails are in a transitional stage right now due to hormone levels. Plus, the nail on my middle left finger, the one I use to express myself, got halved and infected when I nearly chopped my finger off while making Jambalaya. I could probably use some nail help. Plus they looked so cute in the package! I wanted them!

Adorable packaging is obviously my weakness

Let me say this as well: I am not completely anti-glue on nail; I LOVE Kiss FeatherLight nails. They come in 2 French Manicure colors and if that's your thing, then you can wear them right out of the box. Personally, I cut them down and paint them. For example: If I break one of my own nails, I'll use a Kiss FeatherLight nail, cut down and painted like the rest of them to even things out. Tip: If you paint them, paint the nails before gluing them on. They're super thin and easy to apply, sit flush with the natural nail, and are comfortable to wear. Plus they protect the nail underneath so it can grow out. 24 nails cost about $5 USD. TOTAL BARGAIN.

OK so if you're as old as I am, we can reminisce together, if you were born later, this can be a history lesson:

Back in the 1980s, manicures were something that only the rich and famous did. Lee and Miss Lee Press-On Nails  were all the rage, offering little girls like me the chance to have nails like Jem or one of the Holograms (or, if you covered them with some crazy frosty blue Wet 'n' Wild polish, one of The Misfits).  I would beg my mom to buy them for me and she would finally give in just to shut me up and to promise not to wear the nails to church. I'd get the package home and open them up. The smell of them was so odd. Nothing else would smell like those nails. It's the smell of...plastic nail. I'd glue them on, dance around my backyard to a 45 record with my best friend pretending to be Madonna (she was always a better Madonna because of her blond locks, little did we know at the time). By the time 5 o'clock rolled around, 8 of those nails had probably fallen off; some hidden in the grass in the yard, some probably ended up in our dog's digestive track. Looking back, I'm surprised they lasted even THAT long.

So natural looking! (NOT)

Anyways I got home from CVS yesterday and took out my Impress Press On Manicure, opened the cute packaging, and there it was: that plastic nail smell. Boy did it take me back to dancing in my backyard and trying to remove those remaining two nails in the car on the way to church.

'Dammit, these are just Lee Press-On Nails all over again.' Really. I said that out loud. I don't know why my hubs thought I was talking to him.

Meh, I already bought them, I might as well stick them on.

I took them all out of the package and tried to size them according to my own natural nails. The nails do not have those convenient little size numbers embossed on the undersides or on convenient little pull off tabs, so you just have to wing it. Boo.

 Imagine my disappointment when I found that NOT ONE of the nails sat flush with ANY of my nail beds. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Also I have very tiny hands and even the largest nail did not cover my thumbnail. I looked at the package again, wondering if I bought nails meant for little kids. Nope. Whatever, I just picked out the nails closest to my own and stuck them on.

Staying power was about the same as those Lee Press On Nails. I did not have any typing or cooking to do, so it's not like I put them through any of my typical abuses. Heck, I don't think I even used the restroom before the first nail popped off 3 hours into wear. Another two popped off while I was changing the baby's diaper, the next two went down the garbage disposal while I was washing my hands after the diaper change, and so on. I gave up and pulled the rest of them off. Easily. I guess the easy off is one good thing they have going for them. 

Bottom line I'm sure they're great as long as you are doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that requires your hands except maybe holding a drink in a very dark club.

Want fancy looking nails that last quite a while done at home? Here's what you need:

1 Kiss FeatherLight Nail Kit (if you need nails or want Rihanna dagger nails)
1  pair of cuticle scissors (they're gentler to cut the artificial nails with)
nail polish (optional)
Sally Hansen Salon Effects Real Nail Polish Strips ($9 USD) or
Sephora By OPI Trend Tips ($12 USD)

Here's how you do it:

  • Size your FeatherLite nails according to your own natural nails
  • Trim and file nails if needed, or go for the rock star look
  • Polish nails and let dry or stick on patterned nail polish strips
  • Glue nails onto your own clean, natural nails
  • Look sassy

The nails should stay on for a few days, you'll have spares in case one pops off, and your natural nails won't bear too much damage when you remove them. Be sure to remove the nails with acetone-based nail polish remover; never pull them off!


  1. If I ever get a wild hair up my bum and decide to go the way of fake nails, I will surely try your method.

    1. It will never happen, but feel free to pass on the tip to someone who will ;)